mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
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I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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