good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize