I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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