my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
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Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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