i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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