I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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