Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
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The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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