I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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