I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
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In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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