My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
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It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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