put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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