He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
there's paper in my vomit.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
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I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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