Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
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How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
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I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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