Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize