Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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