birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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