She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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