two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
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He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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