I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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