swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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