im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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