he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
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In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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