I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
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I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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