As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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