I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
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I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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