Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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