I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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