yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
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I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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