she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
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Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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