never play flip cup with pint glasses
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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