i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
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I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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