I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
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I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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