I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
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It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
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Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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