She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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