I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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