If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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