you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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