sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
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Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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