remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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