I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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