It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
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I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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