I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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