we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
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Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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