is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
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Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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