Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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