Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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