I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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