What did we do last night that was yellow?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
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its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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