Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
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Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
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He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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