When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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